We all have friends or family who we just wish would snap out of it. To coin an Australian phrase, "They've lost the plot". You know, people who, no matter the urging, discussing, prodding, encouraging, they just can't change their ways. I have a friend who is struggling with one of his closest friends on this issue. The friend of my friend is "Systematically destroying all of his relationships". I have a relative who just can't seem to get out of a rut. She talks about wanting change, seeing the world, not really caring about her boyfriend, but then doesn't do anything except repeat the same old habits.
What is it that keeps us from calling them on their #$%&!! For me it is probably that I hate conflict and to really call them on the carpet would mean an emotional "what the heck are you doing". But that is because these repeated habits and behaviours have been compiled in a "things that they keep doing" file in my brain and I don't think I can rationally bring up the issues without getting sidetracked on the sorrow I feel for their situation. Or maybe the issues have been raised before with these people and there have been moments of change or spasms of action, yet they resume old behaviors.
I guess I wish I had had someone slap me around a few different times in my life. If we really love these people aren't they worth slapping? I really love Dreyers Rocky Road ice cream.
7 comments:
Micah,
That is a good question, and the answer, I believe, isn't always the same.
I love the book of Proverbs because it is just so applicational and so FULL of Godly wisdom. To start with, this is something that comes up in my heart often:
Proverbs 27:5
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Love looks like a rebuke sometimes.
Secondly, to say nothing, EVER, implies complicity I think. Is that love?
Proverbs 28:23
He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.
Have you ever known this to happen before? This usually takes time...years in fact. Imagine having two friends. One friend absolutely NEVER challenges you. He's wishy-washy on every request for counsel you ever ask him for. The other friend directly, and yet gently, tells you the score. Even to your own temporary hurt.
Galatians 6:1
[ Doing Good to All ] Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.
Which friend would have respect for? The kicker is that it says 'in the end'. Meaning...this may take a while and you may even be hated or doubted in the meantime. Or hated AND doubted. But you gotta stick with your convictions if they are truly your convictions. Don't let this happen to you:
Proverbs 29:25
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.
You can't be afraid to tell your friends and family like it is. The only reason (I think) we don't is because we fear them. We fear they won't like us anymore. It boils down to that. And that's a snare. It always will be.
Some more thoughts to chew on:
Proverbs 24
11 Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering toward slaughter.
12 If you say, "But we knew nothing about this,"
does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?
Does not he who guards your life know it?
Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?
How FEARFUL!
James 5:20
remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
One more thing: check your heart. Make sure that your motive is to help. If it is not to help, but only to hurt, then just be quiet.
Another thing: Don't think that the Holy Spirit needs help from you to convict this particular person. He can do His job just fine. This is not to say that you remain silent -- at all. It is only to say that it is not your job to 'guilt' him/her into doing the right thing. I think it also means that you should not show contempt for this person. That wouldn't work for you or me or anybody.
All this to say that:
'This is very easy to say'
but God wants us to DO. To be doers. It's just tough to know what to do sometimes. But He is there for us...to guide us into all truth. He's pretty smart.
There is more...so much more in Scripture that pertains to when we should say something and when we shouldn't. But I gotta go. Maybe we can talk later about it.
I hope this is a blessing to you, my friend. Do take care.
p.s.
I've done a lot of these things in the wrong spirit before and I am just so sorry for it. I just don't want you to screw up like I did.
Kablam! What a great response from Samuel's Daddy! Nice work there bro!
Mahala,
Great question: "If we really love these people aren't they worth slapping?"
I wonder if another question isn't being asked on some level as well: "Am I worthy to slap them around?"
And although I know you are using the term 'slap them around' in a tongue-in-cheek manner, what you wrote about anticipating an "emotional "what the heck are you doing"", leads me to believe that perhaps you would benefit from adjusting the way in which you think about conflict.
Namely, I agree with your hunch that you are selling yourself and your friends short by not being more intimately and vocally involved in their times of need, including the times when they need a voice of reason to encourage them to change the path that they are on. I also believe that you could prepare yourself ahead of time through thoughtful prayer and meditation that would give you a reserve of tranquility to bring to the table during what might otherwise be a high-strung emotional conversation. I also believe that you have got a lot to offer in this department, my friend.
You just need to prepare yourself, and then ... when the time is right (as Samuel's Daddy said) ... jump in to the fray. Get your nose bloodied a bit, make some mistakes, improve your game. Don't be afraid to apologize or come back to the table a second time with a new approach or a different take on a subject.
Feel free to practice on me. My life is too short to not be able to count on you to speak up if you see me about to take a face plant.
Micah,
I again will recommend a great book that addresses this very issue. It is called "Bold Love' by Dan Allender , one of the most thoughtful writings on how to love others that I have ever read. In fact next to the Bible I do not believe there is a clearer one out there.
Samuel's daddy gave some great verses to support what love should often look like. Dan Allender gives some very explicit examples of the different types of 'sinners' and how we should love them.
I don't want to place blame, but I believe that one of the reasons my husband continues to wade around in self-pity and the mire of the lies of the enemy is because men that God put in his life are afraid of offending him and loving him honestly. When God gave me the passage of Scripture (John chap 11) that spoke to my heart prophetically about my marriage and specifically abut Danny, I did not fully understand it and am not sure if I do today. But the last part, when Jesus raises Lazarus from the grave, He then command those who are with him to "loose the grave clothes and set him free". I believe that is apicture in Danny's life of other men getting involved and helping to set him free. I believe that I have apart in it also as do his children, but we will not be sucessful if we are not prayerfully asking God what does real Love look like?
Wow!
Samuels Daddy - holy long post brotha. That kinda puts the blogger to shame when the response to the post is longer than the post itself. Thanks for the support and it was great to talk through things this morning.
Miro - You inspired me to write this. Did you decide to confront your friend?
Woman of faith - This is convicting . I love Danny but as you say, I would have a hard time confronting him. A lot of that has to do with what Miro said about being worthy of the task. For so long in my life I have not been spiritually awake enough to even go there. At least I knew what a hypocrit was and didn't want to be one. I love you.
Confrontation sounds really harsh. How about just responding truthfully when someone is complaininng or saying something that is not true or they perceive to be true but might not be. I think it can happen a little at a time not just one big confrontation. It may still be uncomfortable but often that person starts to have to look at the truth. For instance with youur relative, she probably needs a sit down one on one talk regarding her choices. I am not saying you are the person who should talk to Danny but trust me there are people out there who could have and should have but were too afraid. I have been in those shoes and I am trying to be true to how I love people by being more honest and seeking God to make suure that my motives are from His heart not my own.
Dang you Woman of Faith! I was going to make the same exact point about the word 'confrontation'! I tried to relate a similar thought in my original comment when I mentioned how Mahalah's post used words like 'slapping around' and such.
Believe you me, I can lay the smack down when necessary. But I think the large, vast majority of the time ... such an approach is counterproductive. And that is a new thing with me (just ask Woman of Faith!).
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Something like that...
I once had a friend of mine confess a serious transgression that he had committed. Nobody knew but me. I blasted the guy out of the water with 'shoulds' and 'ought to's ... and ended up destroying the friendship (the guy just stopped calling me, stopped going places we used to connect at). My quick judgment and harsh response was too overwhelming for him to positively respond to. Was I RIGHT? Yeah... I actually was. But the right medicine in the wrong dosage or at the wrong time can be lethal. How much better had I been gentle and longsuffering with this guy, realizing that he needed a friend more than anything. Perhaps with that approach, over time he would have been able to make better decisions. (**By the way, this is another great example of a TrueLife mistake I made that I'm glad of, for the lessons I learned here have helped me to become a better friend. Also, its a great example of why I think YOU Mahala should get in the trenches and gain some war stories of your own to learn from.)
All that to say, I agree wholeheartedly with Woman of Faith here.
And to answer your question, yes... I've decided that I do want to get together with my old friend. He and I have already had the necessary, difficult smack down talk (it was one of those very rare cases where it was appropriate). Now I want to see if there is a way I can be a friend to him despite his poor decision making.
Dang WOF!
"...I believe that one of the reasons my husband continues to wade around in self-pity and the mire of the lies of the enemy is..."
You may not want to punk your husband in such an open forum. Not exactly an act of faith on your part and would certainly cut deep into your man if he ever saw what you put out here in public concerning your lack of respect for him.
You didn't hear or feel the Spirit grieving as you wrote those words?
I'd be worried.
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